Through years of relentless searching, monies paid to attorneys, Search Angels, The State of Pennsylvania, prayers, tears and a debate in my head about whether I should march in to the adoption agency and grab the social workers file that has my birth sisters name in it or not...I'm resorting to pleading. I plead and beg of you to share this post in an effort to allow my birth sister to come to the Pennsylvania screening on January 26th.
There are only 12 million people for me to weed through in the state of Pennsylvania. I think it's safe to assume that my birth sister is African-American, so that whittles it down some. 11% of Pennsylvania's population is of African-American, which translates to roughly a million people (1,416,752 to be exact). Whether one million African-American people show up to the screening, or 5 people show up, know that I will be scanning the crowd looking for my birth sister in each of those faces. What will I be looking for exactly? I don't really know. An almost 30 year old woman with my same bright skin tone (DOB; January 19, 1984 - happy bday birth sis!)? A tall gal with an afro and an athletic build? A girl with a weave in a wheelchair or hearing aids like me? Maybe we look nothing alike. Maybe our eyes will lock instantly and we both will just know? My nervous energy mounts with every passing day as I begin to imagine that moment when we both feel an instant connection, both of us instinctively knowing each other and connecting on a level that only two birth-sisters, both adopted, can understand. This feeble hope of a sense of belonging is clearly a pipe dream. My imaginative description of how my birth sister and I meet is highly unlikely, but at this juncture - I don't have much else to cling to with regards to this faceless, nameless woman with whom I share so much. What's so wrong with dreaming?
Perhaps you can help spread the word about the screening in the hopes that it reaches her?! I'll be at
. Come one, come one million, either way, my curiosity will be strong, and my heart open and ready.
Playing detective is kinda fun - - until I realize how many years of my life have been devoted to this unpaid, emotionally exhausting game. This 'game' I'm playing is similar to the never-ending card game, War. One minute I have a full stack of cards, the next minute I'm down to one card, and back and forth it goes. I'm prepared for my hopes to be dashed as she will likely not be at the showing, however I continue to dream. I've worked myself up into a frenzy before, years of sleuthing and only a sliver of a chance of success - and through toil and tribulation, succeeded! Why not try again? After all, it's only my emotions that are being hung up in the balance - oh, and the rest of my adoptive family and my (and her) birth family who are curious about her, too.
Birth-Sis, if you're reading this - know that my sole motivation is to meet you and say 'hi.' I come with my arms wide open, and my heart and mind able to comprehend pain and loss. I've successfully tiptoed my way around this delicate exchange before - I have experience in the potential awkwardness of this moment. I promise to respect your wishes and will allow you to dictate the speed and pacing of our relationship. If you're reading this, know that I have cared about you since I first learned about you.